Living with and Learning from Conflict
There are so many examples I can give about what I am now going to say. Through examples, we can argue, make a point, build a theory, deepen our understanding about ourselves, about those around us, and about the universe in which we live.
Just the other day, our maid servant left us without any warning. I guess she was not looking forward to it any longer. The arrival of our daughter meant the extra workload in terms of washing nappies, more vessels, more cleaning and more odd jobs in and around the house. Silently, she took her salary for the month and left, and all our efforts to contact her came to nought. The womenfolk in the house felt snubbed. ‘How could she do this? How arrogant she must be! How much have we given her all these years!’
My wife and mother-in-law and sister-in-law desperately looked around. I was worried for my wife and daughter. Stress levels mounted for a while. Sure enough, within a week, a few women came by. They were all tough negotiators, and they knew what they were looking for. ‘Too much work’ they all grumbled. ‘The house on the first floor is too big’, one of them said. We continued to pay them on a day to day basis, hoping that one of them would settle in. The womenfolk were anyway unhappy with the quality of their work. I tried consoling my wife with ‘You first need to relate with them and tell them what you expect. It will take sometime for them to understand.’
A young woman in her twenties, who was thrown out by her husband for an unwanted pregnancy, came in one day. I did not get to see her, as I was out on some meeting when she came in. My wife was pretty pleased even as she complained. ‘She does her work well, but she stayed for three hours, washing and scrubbing!’ The other thing that irritated my wife, mother-in-law and my son was that this woman had brought in with her, her three year old daughter who wouldn’t sit in one place and went around touching everyone and everything. But they were quite sure that the little kid would not come along everyday.
The next day, my son told me as a matter of fact: ‘You should tell her not to bring her daughter to our house.’ I was curious to learn his reason. ‘She came and touched me.’ I reacted immediately. ‘So? Is she not a kid, like you? You can play with her.’
The earliest years of a child’s life last a lifetime, it is often said. How true! Our children watch us, and size us up everyday. They think about everything we say, and they learn even more from everything that we do. Pretty soon, they are able to see through what we say and what we end up doing. Values are formed, opinions are made, and beliefs are set. These will often last a lifetime, and they will often escape scrutiny. In our middle class homes, and in the closed and rigid schools that our children attend, there are very few opportunities or children to question what they are taught. Schooling, in many ways, mirrors who we are and how we live. It reproduces family and societal norms, values, beliefs, upbringing and so on, often without critical exploration and assessment. Pretty soon, children actually stop asking questions because the adults are either inept at answering them, or do not want to answer them. Children then learn to live with authority. They learn to ignore or bury deep within themselves the many questions that keep popping up in their minds about the way they live, eat, play, relate with others, and grow.
I can give many more examples. We can each make our personal lists! Each example, I’m sure, will illustrate how our worldviews, biases and prejudices operate in our daily lives. Each of these examples, I’m sure, can be traced back to childhood experiences and how these experiences have shaped each one of us. However, the underlying point for discussion is how we as parents and teachers can help children imbibe those values that will make them recognize and respect diversity even as they recognize sameness. By diversity, I not only mean colour, religion, language, location etc – diversity, in my opinion, also encompasses the problems of poverty, the problems that give rise to the haves and have nots, the problem of access to resources and so on – in short, understanding diversity means understanding all about who we are, where we came from, and why we are that way. As parents and teachers, we indeed have a tall order in making children understand the complexities and contradictions of our lives. For this to happen, we need to first start moving out of our comfort zones. We need to prepare ourselves to examine these complexities and contradictions.
Naturally, I worry about all these things as a parent. I worry when my son doesn’t want to touch another child just because an adult voice of authority asks him not to. I worry when he gets exposed to the many mind numbing saas-bahu serials where men and women are busy plotting each other’s downfall. I worry when he has to follow ludicrous rules about dirt and contamination everyday. I worry when he is told not to ask his teacher questions. I worry…but I also want to act.
Often, I find myself arguing with the other adults around me. Often, these arguments take on a violent turn. Sometimes, I get reprimanded if I break rules. Sometimes, there is space for dialogue. This is when my hopes soar, and my determination is regained. Very often, all of this is played out in front of my son. He often gets to see diametrically opposite views and actions that emanate from those views. Will this lead to confusion for him? Will this close his mind, numb him and put him in a shell, a comfort zone? Only time will tell. I don’t think confusion can be avoided. It will inevitably come. Patiently, if I can help him develop the ability to examine events and actions around him, and the ability to decide his positions and beliefs, I will have played my role as parent. Answers will not come easily. But it is the ability to examine conflict in and around us, and grapple with it, which can be said to be one of the chief tasks of education, in school or outside it. After all, it is not so much an issue about taking a moral or intellectual high ground – it is all about finding meaning and charting our own paths, without bowing to authority.
Giri
24 June 2007
There are so many examples I can give about what I am now going to say. Through examples, we can argue, make a point, build a theory, deepen our understanding about ourselves, about those around us, and about the universe in which we live.
Just the other day, our maid servant left us without any warning. I guess she was not looking forward to it any longer. The arrival of our daughter meant the extra workload in terms of washing nappies, more vessels, more cleaning and more odd jobs in and around the house. Silently, she took her salary for the month and left, and all our efforts to contact her came to nought. The womenfolk in the house felt snubbed. ‘How could she do this? How arrogant she must be! How much have we given her all these years!’
My wife and mother-in-law and sister-in-law desperately looked around. I was worried for my wife and daughter. Stress levels mounted for a while. Sure enough, within a week, a few women came by. They were all tough negotiators, and they knew what they were looking for. ‘Too much work’ they all grumbled. ‘The house on the first floor is too big’, one of them said. We continued to pay them on a day to day basis, hoping that one of them would settle in. The womenfolk were anyway unhappy with the quality of their work. I tried consoling my wife with ‘You first need to relate with them and tell them what you expect. It will take sometime for them to understand.’
A young woman in her twenties, who was thrown out by her husband for an unwanted pregnancy, came in one day. I did not get to see her, as I was out on some meeting when she came in. My wife was pretty pleased even as she complained. ‘She does her work well, but she stayed for three hours, washing and scrubbing!’ The other thing that irritated my wife, mother-in-law and my son was that this woman had brought in with her, her three year old daughter who wouldn’t sit in one place and went around touching everyone and everything. But they were quite sure that the little kid would not come along everyday.
The next day, my son told me as a matter of fact: ‘You should tell her not to bring her daughter to our house.’ I was curious to learn his reason. ‘She came and touched me.’ I reacted immediately. ‘So? Is she not a kid, like you? You can play with her.’
The earliest years of a child’s life last a lifetime, it is often said. How true! Our children watch us, and size us up everyday. They think about everything we say, and they learn even more from everything that we do. Pretty soon, they are able to see through what we say and what we end up doing. Values are formed, opinions are made, and beliefs are set. These will often last a lifetime, and they will often escape scrutiny. In our middle class homes, and in the closed and rigid schools that our children attend, there are very few opportunities or children to question what they are taught. Schooling, in many ways, mirrors who we are and how we live. It reproduces family and societal norms, values, beliefs, upbringing and so on, often without critical exploration and assessment. Pretty soon, children actually stop asking questions because the adults are either inept at answering them, or do not want to answer them. Children then learn to live with authority. They learn to ignore or bury deep within themselves the many questions that keep popping up in their minds about the way they live, eat, play, relate with others, and grow.
I can give many more examples. We can each make our personal lists! Each example, I’m sure, will illustrate how our worldviews, biases and prejudices operate in our daily lives. Each of these examples, I’m sure, can be traced back to childhood experiences and how these experiences have shaped each one of us. However, the underlying point for discussion is how we as parents and teachers can help children imbibe those values that will make them recognize and respect diversity even as they recognize sameness. By diversity, I not only mean colour, religion, language, location etc – diversity, in my opinion, also encompasses the problems of poverty, the problems that give rise to the haves and have nots, the problem of access to resources and so on – in short, understanding diversity means understanding all about who we are, where we came from, and why we are that way. As parents and teachers, we indeed have a tall order in making children understand the complexities and contradictions of our lives. For this to happen, we need to first start moving out of our comfort zones. We need to prepare ourselves to examine these complexities and contradictions.
Naturally, I worry about all these things as a parent. I worry when my son doesn’t want to touch another child just because an adult voice of authority asks him not to. I worry when he gets exposed to the many mind numbing saas-bahu serials where men and women are busy plotting each other’s downfall. I worry when he has to follow ludicrous rules about dirt and contamination everyday. I worry when he is told not to ask his teacher questions. I worry…but I also want to act.
Often, I find myself arguing with the other adults around me. Often, these arguments take on a violent turn. Sometimes, I get reprimanded if I break rules. Sometimes, there is space for dialogue. This is when my hopes soar, and my determination is regained. Very often, all of this is played out in front of my son. He often gets to see diametrically opposite views and actions that emanate from those views. Will this lead to confusion for him? Will this close his mind, numb him and put him in a shell, a comfort zone? Only time will tell. I don’t think confusion can be avoided. It will inevitably come. Patiently, if I can help him develop the ability to examine events and actions around him, and the ability to decide his positions and beliefs, I will have played my role as parent. Answers will not come easily. But it is the ability to examine conflict in and around us, and grapple with it, which can be said to be one of the chief tasks of education, in school or outside it. After all, it is not so much an issue about taking a moral or intellectual high ground – it is all about finding meaning and charting our own paths, without bowing to authority.
Giri
24 June 2007
Kargil
1 comment:
as usual written in a very interesting way. and the way u pick up everyday events and analyse them tells about your sensitivity.
all the best....
Post a Comment